A Family Affair
Explanation: In high school, in the 90’s, I was given an assignment to write a script of something. I found the paper stuffed in a pile of old cards. It is written out, the days before computers. I figured I’d share it here, like I do with things from the past. I didn’t read it before sitting down to type it out, I’m hoping it’s legible and not a disaster that leads me to pull this page down. I’m scribing it word for word, including errors, only difference is that exclamation marks come in like “!” instead of the usual, so watch for that as punctuation. I’ll record the mark I was given with the comments at the very end.
[a Burbank residence, 10:00am]
Bob: Well dear, tomorrow is our 20th wedding anniversary. Isn’t it amazing? We’ve go three wonderful kids and hopefully a million dollar daughter-in-law. I can remember Ronny’s birth like it was yesterday. Where did the years go?
Mary: I know how you feel honey, I just can’t believe it is been that long. The kids are getting so old now, hell Ronny is almost engaged to Billie, she’s even older, like I was.
Bob: Ah, the memories. [sighs]
[Meanwhile at the hourly rate motel]
Ronny: Oh baby, you’re the best $10 I ever spent. You’re a real fine ride. [Holds out $10 bill] Here’s your green now get outta my face.
Whore: Thanks, same time next week.
Ronny: Whatever
[Later at dinner time]
Mary: Ronny, what did you do this morning? You know me and your father worry about you when you don’t come home. [frowning]
Ronny: Shut up, bitch! [yelling then standing] I’m eighteen god damn years old! Sonofabitch anyways! I don’t need this shit! Screw you both! [sits and looks down at food]
Bob: [sarcastically] Oh, I see somebody is over-tired! Were you at the a big party last night young man? [face reddens, yells angrily] If you ever speak to your mother like that again…you still live in our house so you better damn well tell us where the hell you’ve been.
Ronny: [defiantly] Fine, I was at the hotel with an escort.
Parents: WHAT?
Bob: Your little cheating ass better be lying or so help me God….[punches hand] Don’t throw away your chance at millions, fool or you’ll end up like us.
Mary: Yes, Ronny. We think you should get more serious and marry Billie. When she gets the money you’ll be rich too.
Ronny: I do love her, I’ll try [stands and looks determined] I’ll try and win her over!
Bob: You’ll do more than try!
Ronny: I can only do my best
Bob: I’ll fix that! [pounds Ronny to make him a “better” man]
[The next day at breakfast]
Mary: [drinks coffee] I really don’t think that episode yesterday was necessary.
Bob: Damn straight, the boy’s a wussy. He needs to learn to be tough and strong. He can’t take nothing! I’m sick of his big yap always wasting air trying to bullshit.
Mary: [thoughtfully] I think you’re just made at him.
Bob: Hell yeah! I want some o’ that change. If that fool would smarten up we might end up with some.
Mary: Well plum-cake, did you [smiles slyly] ever think of kidnapping Billie and holding that two-bit skank for randsom.
Bob: No shittin’ woman! You’re the brightest ex-whore I’ve ever know. I’m glad I screwed you that fateful Aug 2nd 20 years ago. So we were drunk, who cares. I thank God every day for our meeting that night. I thank him and all the saints that my boys found the mark too. Every time I look at Jeannie I remember and praise the lord.
Mary: [embarrassed] Ah shucks! Ya didn’t need to say that.
[2 hours later - Ronny has been awakened by Thomas in his bed]
Thomas: Me heard Ma and Pa tak ‘bout kid’s naps Bilwee
Ronny: What? For god sake speak clearly, stupid kid.
Thomas: You heared me, bully
Ronny: [thinks, then realizes what’s going on] Holy shit! Did you say our parents want to kidnap Billie?
Thomas: Ya, Ya, Ya! Dat’s old news slow poke.
Ronny: I should…..[looks concerned] do……[looks evil] nothing.
Thomas: me go potty [leaves]
[Downstairs in ten minutes]
Ronny: Good morning everyone. [looks serene and peaceful] I really think you guys should talk to me about some things. I’m confused.
Mary: [Aside to Bob] He knows. Let’s get him in on it. He could help us alot.
Bob: [Aside to Mary] Are you sure the little weasel can be trusted? I mean he cheats on her and lies to us. Who’s to say he won’t swindle us again.
Mary: Ronny, you obviously know our plans. The question is: will you help us?
Ronny: I want half for myself.
Bob: No, you’ll get what you get you little bastard!
Mary: [Calmly] Wait hear him out before you reject. Maybe he plans on earning that much.
Bob: [Aside to Mary] Are you a fool don’t give him the chance to burn us.
Mary: [aside to Bob] It’s like the great quote, “Play your cards one at a time until the deck is gone; then deal again but don’t stack the deck.” If Ronny screws us then we deal again, while he is in the discard pile, capeche.
Bob: [aside to Mary] Capeche. I sure hope you know what you’re doing.
Mary: Ronny, you will do the kidnapping yourself and we will take care of the rest, okay.
Ronny: I guess so!
[Enter Jeannie]
Mary: Good morning Jeannie. How are you feeling? [talks fast, nervously] What are you doing today? Will you need any money? You can use the car. Why not take Thomas out? He hasn’t been to the mall lately. You should take him to the mall. Want some? [looks at cereal]
Jeannie: I don’t want nuthing to do with that little fruit. He keeps yammering on about someone getting kidnapped. [Others look worried] What a dweeb. [Flicks hair] I’d rather watch female mud-wrestling than take him anywhere
Mary: Okay dear, have a nice day. [Exits]
Bob: Yeah, but you can’t use the car. [Exits]
Jeannie: Ronny, do you think they’re acting weird? Where did Thomas learn about kidnaps?
Ronny: I, ahhhh [looks toward door] I got a thing today. Bye. [Exits]
Mary: [Re-enters] Here Jeannie take some of this medicine, I tried and it really does a job on my menstral cramps. [Holds out a bottle]
Jeannie: [drinking from bottle] It tastes good. I can feel tingling, that must mean its working. [touches head] I feel kinda dizzy. [clutches stomach] Ohhhhh! [Dies (Falls down)]
Mary: [aside] There now nobody will be the wiser. [Drags body out]
[Front room at 3:00pm, Ronny, Bob, Mary]
Where’s the others. They should be here, it you anniversary after all.
Mary: I bet Jeannie would love to be here but she had a problem this morning with her cereal and she died.
Ronny: [shocked] what!? Oh, good one, Ma!
Bob: She’s not kidding. Thomas was shocked so we sent him to a home down south. He may not remember anything when he gets back.
Ronny: [Aside] You dirty bastards! You murdered my sister and destroyed my brother. You’re going to pay. No one, I mean no one messes with my siblings. - I’ve gotta go grieve [Runs out]
Mary: He knows. That little shit seemed all freaked out. We might need to off him too. Then we could have all the money for ourselves.
Bob: Good idea. Let’s go get him before he squaks to that bimbo bitch and ruins everything.
[Meanwhile Ronny has gone to a phone]
Ronny: Hello….Billie please……Billie, on Billie please be careful. My parents……..Ya, my parents want to kidnap you in order to exploit you’re father. They killed my brother and sister……just cause they knew, I think I may be next…….Ya, I’ll hold. [Waits] Hello……I need your help……oh, you just hired some assassins…….good……I’ll see you later…..ok………I love you…….Bye. [Aside] There now payback is a bitch ain’t it. [laughs and Exits]
[Burbank house, police and yellow tape all over]
Ronny: What the hell happened [looks shocked] Is everyone all right.
Cop: No, there has been a double homicide and suicide. We found you parents bullet riddled bodies in their bedroom and we found your sister’s body with poison next to it.
Ronny: [Aside] The cops think Jeannie did it. They will never suspect me or Billie. I love her. I’m going to propose to her, right after I id the bodies [laughs]
[In the tropics, on a beach]
Billie: I’m glad we got married. The next thing we should do is get to my parents.
Ronny: [Aside] Oh no, not again
The End
Teachers comments: “I love it! What an absolutely loathesome family. They’re HORRID…..and I like the sicko ending too. Way to go. It’s scary, and I like it. 10/10”